cYniCaLme

I have been wondering for some time now, if in one point in my life have I been cursed for some reason I do not know. To love a single person, my whole life and never be able to move on. It’s a gift of faithfulness, loyalty and love, yet for me it’s a curse bound to destroy my sense of humanity; sadness, misery, sorrow and pain. I know, I can still feel it within me, for I am as hollow as an empty cylinder, as hard as rock. An exact definition of what the opposite of emotions are all about. I am trying, regaining what I have lost but as hard as I am trying, the deeper this curse embeds itself within my soul, burying me deep into the abyss of seclusion. For I still wanted, despite of being a social animal supposed to be craving for intimacy, to be in one with myself…alone.

This feeling, I know not what to call. This altered human state in all its aspects, baffles me most. It makes most people want it more than anything else in this world, more than expensive cars, more than enormous houses, more than that of diamonds and more than life itself. It’s chemistry that cannot be simplified from complexity. It is reasoning impossible to be deduced. It is a structure ; a body ; an element ; an essence ; for some a liberty ; and some, a cage. Who would know when it comes? Who would see its end? It is for balance, yet also cause instability. A complete contradiction in its own form and yet emits harmony. It is a legend which greatness is not known. It is a war that has never been told. It is unbearable yet it let’s you survive. It blinds you yet it lets you see the light.

This feeling, I know not exactly what it is; why it exists, what was it created in the first place. Why does it make your heart jump like drums playing in a band? Why does it make you tremble whenever some person is near? Why does it make your stomach churn without eating anything? Why does it keep you awake when all your body wants to do is sleep?

This feeling, I know not what it can really do; causing you happiness and then let you feel pain. It makes you whole and then puts you in misery or in the other way around. It lets you give without question but then you get nothing in return. It lets you understand even though it confuses you. It hypnotizes those who give in to it, throwing away their autonomy and giving part of it to another.

This feeling they all call "Love". It mystifies yet gives you hope. It shadows reality yet enlightens you. It gives you no options but makes you so sure. Makes you impatient to wait for but gives you all the patience when it arrives. It gives you what you lack and lets you feel contented.

This feeling can’t be controlled; it cannot be stopped and you will never see it coming. This feeling all humanity sought for very long and most have found. This feeling drowning in contradictions and fills you up with uncertainty yet most say that it gives true meaning. This feeling they all say is special; so it is, but in the worst of sense.

What is it really? Why does everybody want it so badly?

I know not what is the real answer to this question…but maybe, summing it up to words impossible to define…it’s the closest thing we have to magic…

~~tasha camille z. enerio~~

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